A Black Woman Getting So Frustrated And Angry At Something

As I sit here on this bed, foot elevated, and ice on my pained jammed or sprained toe, I feel like a fool.  I think all of us have a moment in life where we do something stupid and realize the ignorance of our actions later. And this toe, is a nagging reminder of just how ignorant, lets not forget immature, that I can be in my marriage. Simply put I am a B-R-A-T in rehab.  I was spoiled as a child, my husband spoils me….so I kinda don’t have a choice but to be one; sometimes a mean and stubborn brat too. I can’t even put up with myself sometimes, seriously.  I want what I want and there is nothing anyone can do or say to change that.  My mother used to call it being “strong-willed and uncompromising,” that was before I became a teenager.

So back to this foot….my dear husband and I was in a heated conversation, and instead of calming down like an adult and re- the situation, I decided, somewhere during my melee of words to kick the bed.  Now this bed is a simple spring mattress, and truly I didn’t intend on kicking it hard enough to damage anything.  I obviously didn’t think that all the way through or I put more into the kick than I aimed for and the end result was my injured middle, and 4th toes.  You never realize how much you need your middle toes until you can’t use them   I can barely walk, have iced my foot and this dull aching pain has yet to subside.  Why haven’t I gone to the doctor, you ask. Well that’s simple, I don’t want to.  I’m the type of person, if I’m not dying, I’m probably not going to the doctor, unless it’s for a check-up.  I don’t believe its broken, however, I do believe it’s jammed or maybe sprained (I haven’t figured it out yet).  If I’m not able to move my toes in 2 days, then I will go, but until then…let’s focus on the more important issue, my lack of better judgement.

what it is about women and our emotions that when they run amuck sometimes we let them? And they rule us.  We can be as in control and put together as we want to look on the exterior.  But there comes that time where we have to check ourselves, before we wreck ourselves, if we want to get better.  We harbor hurts and pains, even in saying that we let them go, we don’t a lot of the times and we let those people who inflicted hurt upon us run our lives.  After so long, this lightbulb finally comes on, and you realize how separated from yourself you have been.  How far you are from who you really are and who you want to be and there comes this moment, a moment where as women, we have to LET IT GO.  At 30, it’s a process I’m really only just beginning to learn.  And its a big pill to swallow but its the only thing that will allow me to grow.  We will never grow into our full maturity if we don’t learn at an early age how to let go of fears, hurts, anger, pains, and all that other nasty stuff that essentially sucks the life from us; kills us from the inside.

I too am guilty of holding it all in, but recently I have been releasing it.  ALL of it!  I’m glad my eyes are finally awakened in this here foolish moment, where I can’t do anything but sit here, with this hurting toe, refusing to go to the doctor and think about my childish actions.  I’m an idiot, yes I know. I made a (another) mistake of falling back into the trap of anger non-management because I allowed my emotions to take over instead of my brain.  I guess after so many mistakes, God has to step in and try to help correct you before you do something with a much bigger consequence than a few toes. God knows us, and knows just how to get our attention.  I’m unyielding, which I’m positive he knows, at times it takes more than words to get something through my head.  So, if this was your way of getting my attention God, I hear ya.

Its alright to be angry, just don’t be foolishly angry…

 

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