Sometimes, I look at the mess of my life and have to be grateful for change and growth. This poem really revealed more than I was intending, but I didn’t change a word. This is the first real time I came to grips with some of the crappy things that happened to me that made me a certain way…..And so I wrote about it.
Sorry if my life isn’t a microcosm
of the American dream,
cuz from where I’m standing
the America I know is just…
A fantasy of slavery
And its effects on this country’s people,
A wedge drawn so far
between the judge’s bench and the steeple
Eyes blinded by media (takeout) news
That we cant see that the news
is not new
the same old stuff they read from
the teleprompter at
4am, 5am, 6am, and noon,
4pm, 5pm, 6pm, 10pm, 11pm
and the syndicated replay
Re-plays in the wee hours
of the new day around 2!
They can put new wine in old bottles
and sell it as true-
wine from the living vine,
and call it truth.
I can’t deny,
that as a child
I used to believe everything I saw was the truth.
Like all the radio and TV shows were live,
and remember that skittles commercial
where it rained candy coated pieces from the sky?
Man! I believed that if I prayed hard enough
and lived long enough God would answer and I,
would witness the true rainbow hued pieces pour from up above,
but those dreams were scattered.
When my dad in a drugged-rage
the TV screen he shattered
with a pink aerosol can of hair spray,
busted up my mental.
I recall the day
even though now the picture is a little fuzzy
that was the day my imagination died.
Reality-smacked in the face,
quick gut-punched to my side.
Mom crying, daddy violent
childhood dreams deferred,
no matter how hard
I try to run away from its effects on my life
anger and abusive words
in my relationships
all the way into wedded bliss,
more like a wish.
I dream of genie
that I could blink my eye
and change from this.
This overly aggressive monster,
no womanly characteristics detected
hurt feelings, soaked eye lids
vulnerable; but weakness, rejected
I refused to get hurt.
I regreted to grow.
I denounced love.
I stopped…..and declined anything
that would make me feel
Any of the longed for touches
and soft ‘I love you’s
missing from my youth
I would rather protect myself than
be on the receiving end of pain again
but the guarded walls, lined with
electrocuting fences, only damaged me more.
if only the American dream
that I was witnessin’
was what I seen on the screen.
if only the American dream was real
If only dreaming
wasn’t so American.
(c) Letoya “Penz4Lipz” Williams, 2015.